Couples or Marriage Counseling

Pre-marital or Pre-Moving-in-Together Counseling

Falling in love and planning to move in together or get married are exciting milestones in any relationship. But along with that excitement can come disappointment and heartache. The anticipation of this next step often brings overly high expectations about the happiness that will follow. That’s why it’s wise to have open, meaningful conversations before taking that leap—yet these conversations often don’t happen.

Why not? Usually, it’s because no one wants to “rain on the parade.” Hope is a powerful thing, and it’s natural to want the best. In many cases, couples do work through future challenges successfully. But when potential conflicts aren’t addressed early on, they can lead to frustration and unmet expectations later. Chances are, you’ve both had moments of doubt or concern but pushed them aside in the spirit of optimism.

That’s where a few sessions of couples therapy can make a real difference. As an impartial, trained observer, I can help bring to light the issues that might become sticking points down the road. How? By learning about your personal histories—where you come from, what shaped you, and how you experienced relationships growing up.

Even if you’ve spent hours talking about your past with your partner, I can ask the kinds of focused questions that may reveal deeper patterns or potential sources of conflict. Premarital or pre-cohabitation counseling helps you prepare for what lies ahead, based on who you both are and where you’ve come from. With this insight, you’ll be better equipped to face challenges together—with more understanding, compassion, and confidence

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Co-dependent Relationships…Or is it Just Inter-dependent?

A co-dependent relationship is a relationship that involves obsessive, altruistic, or narcissistic attachment that hinders one’s well-being and way of life.

Couples therapy can help you explore whether your relationship dynamic is truly “codependent,” or whether feelings of being crowded or suffocated stem from something else. Making this distinction is essential, because healthy relationships often require a strong level of interdependence to thrive.

In our sessions, I can help bring this question into focus and support both partners in finding the right balance between independence and connection. If one partner needs more closeness or emotional intimacy, that can be explored openly and without judgment. What may appear as “neediness” is often rooted in early life trauma or chronic stress during formative years.

In some cases, individual therapy may also be helpful for a partner to rebuild confidence, self-esteem, and a stronger sense of independence—ultimately reducing the strain of codependent patterns within the relationship.

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Family and Parenting Issues

Often, couples struggle over issues of parenting one or more children or stepchildren. Some have elderly parents that are in increasing need of time, attention, or other family resources.

Couples therapy provides a forum where the complex feelings around these issues are discussed and even resolved to a large extent. Most often, my opinions about how to handle such matters are very personal and seem very clear to me, yet they can be completely different from how my partner would think about the matter.

Within my family of origin, there were probably clear assumptions, if not guidelines and traditions, about how these matters would be handled. The problem with this is obvious. Both partners in a couple come from very different families with very different beliefs and expectations. Thus, discord ensues.

Also, times have changed dramatically in terms of understanding what works best for all involved, including the couple’s needs, the children and stepchildren’s needs, and the needs of elderly parents. I now know much more about what types of decisions generally lead to which consequences.

There may be problems with an emotionally disturbed child or adult family member who, verbally or through behaviors, dominates all family gatherings.

One partner may have a family member who abuses a substance, leading to life-endangering consequences that bring added stress and discord within the couple. Or a family member of either partner could place extraordinary stress on a couple through their own chronic illness, or through their chronic neglect or abuse of another relative.

Couples therapy can focus on how to deal with a variety of family issues, whether they relate to the care, structuring, and discipline of children, or whether they involve setting limits with adult members of a partner’s family of origin.

Couples therapy can emphasize the specialized roles and responsibilities of family members, without them being present in the sessions, so as to minimize dysfunction within extended family settings.

In other words, couples therapy can be helpful not only to the couple itself but to the health and well-being of their extended families, leading to more cohesive family unions on each partner’s side.

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Conflicts with Adult Children

Problems related to parenting conflicts over adult children who have not yet “launched” and are draining the couple’s financial and emotional resources can tear a family apart. But discussing these tensions in couples therapy can help ensure that doesn’t happen.

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Issues with Blended Families (With Step-children)

Getting adjusted to a new family and newfound family ties can take a while. Torn loyalties often cause tension in such situations and require special attention. Couples therapy can focus on these issues and help relieve the anxiety and frustrations that arise when coping with blended family challenges.

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Dealing with an “Ex”

Often, conflicts arise in a couple from issues around the ex. Some of these issues are imagined, but in many cases, the ex still exerts a good deal of intimidation, if not control, over the couple. This could be because a divorce settlement has allotted so much to the ex-spouse that the financial resources of the couple are strained beyond a reasonable comfort level. Sometimes, children are involved, and the child support becomes an ongoing stressor to the couple.

As a therapist, I've learned that love does not conquer all of these difficulties. They are real, and they require sacrifice from both parties in the couple seeking help. With that strain comes a good deal of guilt and anger. These are common problems that can be addressed in couples therapy and should be. Sometimes, adjustments to payments can be made, but there are emotional obstacles to this solution. By discussing the level of stress and frustration these financial arrangements create, some solutions—and a good deal of harmony—can eventually be achieved.

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Infidelity

It seems that infidelity is becoming more and more commonplace with the hypersexualization that permeates our current zeitgeist. If you have been cheated on, are tempted to cheat, or have cheated on your partner, I can get help to cope with betrayal, prevent a life-altering mistake, or deal with the guilt and ramifications that result from infidelity.

Sometimes, a couple must spend many sessions unraveling why and how infidelity has occurred. With an in-depth examination of all possible contributing factors to the affair, each partner can arrive at a better understanding of their partner and themselves. Some can come to understand what factors they may have unknowingly contributed to an affair developing.

Ultimately, with greater insight into all the elements, it becomes possible to resolve within oneself why it happened—opening the way to healing the wound. Usually, events of infidelity stem partly from seemingly unrelated circumstances, such as loss of self-esteem due to illness or loss of employment. In many of these cases, it is more possible to come to terms with it.

In one way or another, infidelity is a significant blow to the relationship, but like other types of blows, healing and closure can be achieved over time.

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Addictions (Work, Gambling, Substances or Pornography)

Most mental health professionals would probably agree that any addiction, including one's work, various substances, gambling, or even internet porn, will generally cause friction initially and eventually lead to the demise of a relationship.

The theory here is two-fold. One is that addiction is a solitary behavior, experienced by and enjoyed by one person. Addictions are rarely shared experiences, and so the partner is basically left out. The second issue is that the addiction, being as strong as it is, will always take precedence over other considerations in the relationship. The “fix” is really the “love” of the person who experiences it. An addicted person can only experience true joy in life when he or she is actively engaged with the addiction or under the influence of it.

No person can ever compete with their partner’s addiction as long as the addicted partner is under the “sway” of the addicting substance or activity. He or she is either fully involved in it or is dreaming and/or strategizing about how to get it next. And if a person cares more about getting their “fix” than about their partner, the bond between the two will be damaged. If the relationship does survive, it is usually because the partner who has been abandoned for the addiction has found some passion outside the relationship as well.

Some wives console themselves with shopping, for instance, if their partners are addicted to golf or sports on TV. In any case, when one partner leaves the relationship to pursue an addiction or obsession, it does not bode well for the long-term health of the relationship.

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Considering Separation or Divorce

Unfortunately, not all marriages can be saved. However, many more marriages could be saved if both parties were willing to conduct a thorough, in-depth investigation into why they believe a split is necessary. There is so much at risk in separation or divorce, the least of which is time and money.

What is far more impactful about separation and divorce is the emotional trauma they create, both in the short term and in the future for each individual. Separation and divorce cause a scar to form that is not easily healed, even over time. Therefore, it is clearly advisable to discuss in depth what each person is feeling, and specifically, why they believe that splitting up is the best course of action to follow.

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